Clam Juice and Other Things That Are "In" for March According to Lad Mags

Have you heard of Next Issue? It's basically Netflix for magazines: you pay a monthly fee and get access to almost all of the magazines you could want. It's great. You always have all of this reading material on your iPad, they even have weeklies (for an upcharge) like The New Yorker, you get all of the digitized back issues, and you end up discovering magazines you would probably never normally pick up. And many have food and recipes! Elle Decor isn't really for me, but Daniel Boulud has a column and recipe each month I'll check out. Real Simple, New York, and the travel titles all cover food. Infomercial over. No seriously, I'm not getting paid or compensated for this, it's just a cool thing.

Sometimes the men's magazines, in particular, have pretty great food coverage (although the recipes tend to treat guys like kindergartners) and legit journalism. In between, however, are strangely confident "What's In" features that tell you everything that you should be wearing, eating, watching, reading, etc. that month. And it's all $5,000. And would look silly if you wore it with your normal, not-model body to your regular workplace (unless your job is jumping in the air in an all-white room). But, just for you, I went through all of the month's issues to find out what's in for March. I read (well skimmed through) the March 2013 issues of Details, GQ, Esquire, and Men's Journal. And I'm reporting on my findings here. You are welcome.

Fashion

I guess these are basically fashion magazines for guys, as they cover clothes in far more detail than anything else. Let's start at the bottom, with shoes. Chukka boots are in, as well as double-monk straps (I have no idea what those are). Colorful suede desert boots (which look like chukka boots to me) are in, as well as updated laceless loafers. Suede is in fashion in general, though only one suede thing at a time. For pants you should wear chinos or slim-cut chinos. With shirts you want "popovers," which are shirts that you have to put on over your head (designer Michael Bastion suggests poking "the front into your waistband and leaving the rest loose). Fashion from the 80s, like big clothes with crazy patterns and bright colors, are "indispensable elements of the modern man's wardrobe" (until you see them), as well as bold, surprising prints. Unless you are going for the "Arthur Miller look," also fashionable for March, which is a "stripped-down, subtly quirky riff on prep."  Updated pattern shirts are in, as well as suede blousons (no idea; it sounds like a breed of chicken to me). Wear the shirts with updated knit ties. Oh, updated camo is in, too, although good luck. Over those shirts you should wear garment-dyed blazers, denim jackets, and updated denim jackets. Maybe you need a suit? Textured suits that are woven with linen are good for spring, but also relaxed double-breasted two-piece suits, crisp and sharp-shouldered suits, or updated wrinkled and disheveled suits (maybe wear the wrinkled suit in the morning and the crisp suit at night, or vice versa), or updated dark suits. Jackets pre-loaded with lapel pins are hot. Dark black accessories are also in, except for rose gold bracelet watches that have a "pinkish" color that adds a "note of luxe polish." Top it off with a cologne that smells like an exotic destination (Prada's "Luna Rossa" smells like "a sailboat off the coast of Corsica"). Expensive is in, judging by the prices.

Travel

Speaking of exotic destinations, Marseilles is "having a moment." So is San Francisco's mission district. And also, traveling off the beaten path for high-fashion men's stores is hip.

Food

Pre-bottled cocktails from mixologists are in, as well as cocktails with medicinal ingredients, French farmhouse ales, and mellow California wines. Updated Greek food is in, which you should eat at a good restaurant in the suburbs, a hot new trend for March. Vegetable-flavored tea (like carrot and tomato) is hot (get it), which is thinner and weaker than a broth. Mmmm. Fried broccoli is in for March, as well as paella, which is "the world's most sophisticated comfort food." Also: clam juice. So hot right now.

Etc.

Bored? Updated board games are in. Chiropractors are fashionable (Jessica Alba is "reportedly a fan"). Formula One racing is hot, as are low-profile beds. James Franco is very in (he was in every magazine, I believe). Have you scored an "office wife"? You should. And kiteboard. Definitely do that. The Aston Martin Vanquish is the it car, but if $279,995 is too much, the Jaguar XKR-S, which "isn't as exotic," is only $132,000. Also, carefully curate the mess of crap on your bedroom dresser with "a postcard from that last museum exhibition you saw, that Polaroid of your girl, the vintage cigarette tray you found at a flea market" and "keep the cast rotating; it's a reminder that however chill it is in here, you've still got a lot happening out there."

There you have it, everything you need to be the most stylish, "in" dude for the month of March. Again, you are welcome.